Say no promptly, clearly, and truthfully. A lukewarm or misleading reference can create problems for both you and the person asking; a brief, respectful refusal gives them time to find someone better placed to support their application.
When it makes sense to decline
You do not need to accept every reference request. A useful reference depends on what you can honestly and credibly say, as well as whether you are authorised to say it.
- You lack first-hand knowledge. If you did not work closely enough with the person to describe their relevant skills or performance, someone who observed that work may be a stronger referee. MIT Sloan’s Career Development Office advises people to decline when they lack the time or familiarity to make a strong case and to encourage the applicant to approach someone enthusiastic about supporting them: MIT Sloan Career Development Office.
- You cannot give an accurate, positive account. Do not agree simply to spare someone’s feelings if you are unlikely to provide the support they expect. A direct refusal is kinder than a lukewarm endorsement.
- You do not have time or the request does not fit your role. A reference may require details you cannot reliably provide or time you cannot commit.
- Your organisation controls references. Some employers limit who may respond and what information they may give. Check the applicable policy before replying in a work capacity.
- There is a conflict or another boundary. If the request could compromise your professional responsibilities or relationship, you can decline without giving a detailed explanation.
What to say: a four-part refusal
A good response thanks the person, states the boundary plainly, gives a short truthful reason if it helps, and offers an alternative only if you genuinely can. Indeed’s employer guidance recommends a kind but unambiguous refusal, without invented excuses, excessive apologies, or a lengthy account of negatives: Indeed, “How To Respectfully Decline a Reference Request” (updated April 6, 2026).
- Thank them for asking. Acknowledge the request without implying that you will accept.
- Say no directly. Use wording such as “I’m not able to provide a reference for this application.” Avoid a vague “I’m not sure” if your answer is no.
- Give a brief, honest reason if useful. You might say that you are not authorised to provide references, did not work closely enough with them, or cannot take on the request. You do not owe a detailed explanation.
- Offer a limited alternative, if appropriate. You could point them to someone who observed the relevant work or offer general job-search advice. Do not suggest that you endorse their application if you do not.
Ready-to-use wording
Short email
“Thanks for thinking of me. I’m not able to provide a reference for this application, so I wanted to let you know promptly. I hope you find someone who can speak directly to the experience the role requires, and I wish you every success.”
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When you do not know their work well enough
“Thank you for asking. I don’t know your work closely enough to give the detailed reference this role deserves, so I’m going to decline. You may have better luck asking someone who worked with you directly on [project or responsibility].”
When company policy requires HR to respond
“Thank you for asking. Our policy requires employment references to come through HR, so I’m not authorised to provide one personally. Please contact [HR channel] for the permitted confirmation.”
When you want to preserve the relationship without giving a reference
“I can’t provide a formal reference, but I’d be happy to have a brief call about the industry or share general job-search advice. You may also want to ask [name], who worked more closely with you on the relevant projects.”
In person or by phone
Keep the same structure and avoid being drawn into a long explanation: “Thanks for checking. I’m not able to give a reference. If this is an employment reference, please send the request through the organisation’s formal HR process.”
Check policy before responding for an employer
Before agreeing to speak or write on behalf of an organisation, check its reference policy. It may designate HR or another authorised contact, restrict the information that can be shared, or require requests to use a formal channel. ACAS explains that workplace policies can limit who gives references and what they contain: ACAS, “If you get a reference request”.
Rules also vary by jurisdiction and circumstances. In the UK, GOV.UK says an employer usually does not have to provide a reference, but one it does provide must be fair and accurate; written agreements and some regulated industries can create exceptions: GOV.UK, “Work references”. ACAS also notes exceptions involving contracts, regulated roles, and other agreements: ACAS, “Providing a job reference”. These UK-specific points should not be treated as a universal rule for employers elsewhere.
Handle verbal or informal requests carefully
A phone call can still be a reference, even if the caller describes it as informal. UCL advises declining verbal requests except in exceptional circumstances because information can be misinterpreted as it is relayed. If an exceptional verbal reference is permitted and you decide to give one, verify who is asking and keep notes of what you said: UCL People and Culture, “References Policy” (May 2026).
Do not promise an “off-the-record” conversation. Cornell’s guidance says a reference conversation is not made confidential or off the record by labelling it that way; it also notes that someone who did not agree to serve as a reference may decline to respond, need not answer every question, and can consult local HR if uncomfortable: Cornell Human Resources, “References”.
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Offer an alternative without implying an endorsement
An alternative is optional, not a requirement of saying no. Suggest one only when it is genuinely helpful and within your boundaries. Depending on the situation, that might be:
- A manager or colleague who directly observed the person’s relevant work.
- HR, if the person needs factual confirmation of employment and your organisation provides it.
- A personal or character referee, if the hiring employer is willing to accept one.
- A short conversation about the industry or general job-search advice, without discussing or endorsing the application.
ACAS says an applicant who cannot obtain a reference can ask the hiring employer whether it will accept a reference from another manager, colleague, employer, or personal referee; in some cases, the employer may consider assessment through a probationary period. The hiring employer decides what it will accept: ACAS, “If you can’t get a reference”.
What to avoid
- Do not make up an excuse. A concise, honest boundary is more professional than a fabricated scheduling or policy problem.
- Do not overexplain or list the person’s shortcomings. If a short reason is enough, stop there.
- Do not agree to a reference you cannot support. The person may expect a positive endorsement, while the recipient needs an accurate account.
- Do not offer a private or “off-the-record” reference. Treat reference conversations as potentially attributable and subject to workplace policy.
- Do not send an unsolicited general reference unless policy permits it. UCL recommends limiting any exceptional unsolicited reference to factual statements.
If you are the person seeking the reference
A refusal is not necessarily a judgement on your ability; the person may lack authority, time, or relevant first-hand knowledge. Ask someone who can speak to the experience the role requires. If no suitable referee is available, ask the prospective employer what alternatives it will accept, such as another manager or colleague, a personal reference, or another form of assessment. A career adviser may also help you identify appropriate referees and prepare your request.
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